It's sort of how I'm feeling right now, and have been for the past two months or so now. Its also the end result of my summer, and the thought process I followed to remedy my summer problem. Allow me to explain:
Another summer has come and gone, and once again I have failed to find gainful employment or meaningful volunteer status. This is the third summer in a row. Naturally my complete inability to contribute both to society and to my own future has left me with a sense of crushing hopelessness, directionless anger and a never before felt self-loathing. I had a minor identity crisis as I realized I am the very thing I hate most in life: a self-entitled, unskilled, mediocre youth- A complete waste of carbon.
So what to do?
Well I had this revelation late June, which for those of you who have jobs or do not care any less, is basically the deadline for summer employment. If you don't have a real job by the end of June, you're sunk because all there is left at that point is summer camp positions and I'll be damned if I'm going to work at a summer camp. I am terrible with children, I can't stand them- A complete waste of time and effort.
Whilst balled up trying to escape the weight of my depression I began to contemplate not the act, but the consequences of suicide. I wasn't actually going to kill myself, calm down. I was just thinking about the resultant future should something terrible happen to excise me from my miserable situation. I realized that, no, while I do not deem it "nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as one might say, but killing myself would be the most outrageously selfish thing I could possibly do. My troubles are small by comparison to things happening in the world, and it would leave my immediate family and friends at a complete loss. All that time, effort, emotion, money, care, et ceterae- A complete waste of all that.
So our title for this edition of my ramblings very concisely sums up my passing opinions of myself and my summer as it stands.
So what to do now?
The damage is pretty much done at this point, there's nothing I can do and that's really the worst part of it. I haven't been able to draw, write or otherwise create anything of value this summer that might have helped alleviate my sense of uselessness. I did learn to knit and I've done a little sewing. Big freaking' deal, it's not that constructive. I should have stayed in my university city over the summer, maybe I would have been marginally less miserable. Or maybe I might have been more miserable because I missed the slightly bigger city I officially live in. I don't know.
What I do know is I have a lot of unused energy from the stress and anger that's only served to make me depressed and physically ill for the first time in my life, in a cycle throughout the past month and a bit. Ill enough that I actually went to a walk-in clinic (and sat around, semi-ironically, for about 3 hours feeling awful) to see if there was something more serious wrong with me. The friendly smart-ass doctor said I was almost definitely suffering a stomach flu because the extreme stress I was experiencing wasn't likely the cause of my illness. He said to come back in a few days if it continued because it was probably a flu if it did.
Joke's on him, I felt fine a few days later.
So where has this left us, this tale of sadness and anger?
It's probably left you feeling ever so slightly worse, as a relating of unfortunate circumstances tends to do if you have any shred of compassion in your being, even though my circumstances aren't really that bad. (Conversely if you are a psychopath, complete jerk or some degree of sadist, it's probably given you a good chuckle. You're welcome.) It's also probably prompted you to start thinking of positive, encouraging things to say to me to make me feel better.
Stop. Don't think another positive thing. I'm serious, stop. And don't you dare say it to me, either.
An optimistic, encouraging phrase is THE MOST PATRONIZING THING YOU CAN DO TO SOMEONE WHO IS MISERABLE FOR INTERNAL REASONS. I cannot stress that enough without increasing the font size and maybe making it a big flashing gif. Seriously. You optimistic people make it some kind of crime to be miserable and you just HAVE to try to make it better, don't you? It doesn't help.
For further discussion of the effects of optimism on the depressed, please consult Allie's blog right here . Granted my own misery is neither as chronic nor as severe as hers but its a good guide for those of you trying to understand or find a way to interact with someone who is depressed.
Which brings me, I suppose, to my closing, since I'm running out of steam and ways to express my negative mood. I did not mean to upset or alienate all...what? three of my readers? It is not my intention to offend you people in any way, unless I expressly state so. I just had nothing to write about and no ire to fuel me until earlier this morning when I was cleaning our bathrooms.
You may be happy to know that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth went successfully. I was miserable for about a week because I had to live on jello and soup but now the holes at the back of my mouth are fully healed and don't catch uncomfortable food bits as often as they used to. (There's a pleasant image to leave you all with, eh?)
Until next time. I'm going to go chill out with a book....